Matt Patterson

I’ve never really considered myself to be an existentialist. As interesting as I find the concept, it has always seemed like an odd practice. I’ve always enjoyed entertaining thought and philosophy, trying to understand what I believe, why I believe it, and upon what those beliefs are contingent. But beyond that, I’ve never been a “live for the moment” person; I am always thinking about the future, calculating the future significance of my present actions. I usually don’t make decisions without reflecting on the past.

But lately, I have had no choice.  I find myself in an unfamiliar world of massive debt; I got here, not by choice, but by circumstance.  This is the land of opportunity, where anyone can attend college by means of private borrowing and obtain a career lucrative enough to repay that borrowing, at least until he is stopped dead in the middle of the process, still liable for past debts, unable to obtain future ones and therefore unable to obtain the education he needs.  Then struck by disaster, cancer, covered by insurance but still so overwhelming as to ruin his life–my life.  And to top it all off, brake lines on the car rust through, adding $500 worth of insult to financial injury.

Was it for this life of debt and anguish that I fought the darkness of cancer?  To be quite honest, was it worth the fight?  Or would this soul be better off dead, free from the anguish?  Certainly, there would have been some pain in dying, but such pain is only short-lived, unlike the pain of living paycheck-to-paycheck, trying simply to get by and survive.

And so maybe this journey has created an existentialist in me, because in this election year, I could care less if the so-called “Marriage Protection Amendment” passes:  allowed to marry or not, I still must carry this burden; I could care less if a Democrat becomes President, or a Republican:  I will still find myself in a maelstrom of debt; I could care less if we achieve healthcare for all, since it will have no ex post facto effect on my situation.

So is this a life I would fight for again?  A life so shrouded in misery that I must cherish every minute I am alive, since I may find out, in the next, that I will die, or my life will be ruined in one way or another?   A life where, even if I can control the financial burden I carry, I may never be able to get a decent job without a degree–since I have all but given up on a college education right now–or buy a car or a home simply because I was a victim of circumstance?  Is this a life that was worth fighting for?  With every minute that goes by, I find it harder and harder to answer that question.

Kenny Chesney definitely had it right, there are songs that have the innate ability to to take us back, through our memories, to past times and places.  I was reminded of this recently, when I came upon the music video for “Best of Me” by the Starting Line on YouTube.  Somehow, that song struck the right chord in my brain, and so I began to reminisce.  In doing so, I went back to Kenny’s song, and decided to make some changes.Maybe I will post a video of my official “cover” later.

 ”The Rock Show” painted a picture of my life at that time
A young kid looking for all the good times I could find
I heard it today and couldn’t help but sing along
‘Cause every time I hear that song…

I go back to the floor of that Hangout spot
Stayin’ out too late, trying not to get caught
Livin’ life, just trying to fit in
And I go back to the halls of that old high school
Pushing on and just trying to stay cool
Wishing time would pass, “world here I come”
Every time I hear that song, I go back, I go back

“Greg’s Last Day” told the story as I packed up the car
Gonna start a new life in a city nice and far
I heard it today and I couldn’t help but sing along
‘Cause every time I hear that song…

I go back to the hope, the laughs and thrills
The speed and snow on that black diamond hill
And graduation, saying farewell to friends
I go back to the Point in the summer sun
Growin’ up to fast, now that it’s done
Wishin’ time would stop right in its tracks
Every time I hear that song, I go back, I go back

We all have a song that’s somehow stamped our lives,
Takes us to another place and time

So I go back to the loss of some real good friends,
The short time on Earth I spent with them,
And even those I didn’t know so well
And I go back to the day when I got that news,
The war I’d fight and wouldn’t lose,
Now “I Run for Life” stops me in my tracks
Every time I hear that song, I go back, I go back

To the halls of that old high school,
Pushing on, just trying to stay cool, I go back

To the Point in the summer sun
Gowin’ up to fast, now that it’s done, I go back

To the day when I got that news,
The war I’d fight and wouldn’t lose, I go back

In some sense, life was so much easier back then (and I use that term loosely), and yet back then is when I (and probably most of my friends) wanted time to fly–screw high school, college will be way more fun, right?  Maybe, maybe not.  If nothing else, I certainly have greater appreciation for the time I spent in high school:  going to shows at the Hangout and Forward Hall, lifting with Mike Ghamo, going to Eat’n'Park or Perkins at 1am with a huge group of people I don’t even know, going to Peek’n Peak every Thursday during the winter and hanging at the sugar shack, learning to ski and then challenging myself at three of the best ski resorts in Vermont, dealing with diseases and deaths, finding myself, learning to fly, hanging out with some of the greatest friends I’ve ever known.

And that’s just to start.  Am I really going to be able to say I did as much in my four (or more…) years in college?  I hope so, but even if I do, they will be different experiences, with different value, and of course, different songs.

I guess above all, I’ve learned so far to live for today, because none of us is above our fate, and there might not be a tomorrow.  Too many people in my life had to find that out the hard way; I was almost one of them.  But thanks to a well-timed visit to the doctor, I soldier on.

To borrow the ever-popular tagline from the musical “Rent,”
No day but today.

Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions that straight people have about gays is that “coming out” is a one time event, or at least that the number of times you come out is finite.  The reality is, we are always coming out to people, sometimes directly to people we just met, sometimes indirectly to people we don’t know at all (like wearing a red shirt at Magic Kingdom this weekend).  Since moving to Florida, I have generally had no problem communicating my sexual orientation to others, generally figuring anyone who couldn’t accept and respect me is not someone I want to associate with.  But I have been hesitant to come out at work, especially after hearing quite a few homophobic and heterosexist comments at work at Gay Days last year.  My department is not as “gay” as people usually think Disney to be, and there is a wide array of people who work there, so I was never sure how anyone would react.  Today, I took a risk, not only in coming to the park with my red shirt and rainbow Mickey pin, but also by going backstage to my location (I had a legit reason:  I needed to talk to the manager) and being right in front of everyone there.  And while there were some surprised faces, I did not have a single negative reaction.  And I guess, why would I have?  Those people who I’ve worked with respect me for the hard worker I am, not who I like.  And by seeing that sort of internalization, I can continue to self-internalize my sexual orientation, and so, in the words of the great Walt Disney, I can “keep moving forward, [and] opening new doors.”

So today (as in before midnight) was the second day of Gay Days this year, and I have spent much of my time, so far, tabling at the Gay Days Expo for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Student Union at UCF.  It has really been a lot of fun.  The atmosphere is amazing and it’s nice to see so many people who you can relate to.  I guess it’s like safety in numbers.  The weirdest thing, though, is that I’ve been seeing a lot of people around the host hotel who I could swear I’ve seen before.  Maybe they go to UCF or… I don’t know?

Tonight was also the official Welcome Party, which was put together by GLBSU (with a lot of help).  Jesse Brune, from “Workout” on Bravo was the host; I have only seen the show once, so I didn’t really know Jesse too well, but he certainly seemed like a very cool guy in person.  The party was okay–it was a success, but did not quite live up to my expectations.  It is, nonetheless, a huge accomplishment and a great learning experience for next year.  The party was also beneficial in at least one other way:  re-instilling me with hope that “some day my prince will come.”  Okay, “prince” is probably moving a little fast, but yes, I met a guy (a friend of a friend) who I find fairly attractive, even though he isn’t my usual type at all.  And even though age is something I usually find pretty important, I have decided to not care this time–I don’t know how old he is, and I don’t care.  So we’ll see where that goes.

Tomorrow, well, later today is the big Gay Day at the Magic Kingdom.  I am pretty excited for it, even if I am going to be dead tired.  The only thing is, I have a ton of laundry I need to do so that I can pack for my flight Sunday morning.  It’s going to be hectic; I might not get any sleep until I’m on the plane, but oh well.  I have a week and a half in Erie coming up and I’m really looking forward to a few things:  Saras (a dinor, and yes, it’s spelled -or), Smith’s hot dogs, pepperoni balls, Sontheimer’s Bakery, and of course TIM HORTON’s (the Canadian equivalent of Dunkin Donuts, except way better).  It should be so exciting!

Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I’m a devout atheist.  But there are certain, rare times in life when I not only want there to be a God, but I sincerely hope that there is.  This is one of those times.  I just learned that a friend of mine–who I have never met in person, but he is nonetheless a great friend–was stabbed while leaving a club outside of Washington, DC.  The most I know is that he’s listed in critical condition.  So tonight, I throw out my personal beliefs, and pray that any higher power would be loving enough to see him through to health again.

Today was significant because it marked my second-to-last chemotherapy treatment. I have certainly come a long way on this journey: medically, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don’t want to say too much, because I haven’t had any final scans yet, but both my doctor and I are very optimistic that my cancer will be gone for good. I consider myself a survivor, and I know that as a survivor, I have a responsibility to reach out and support those who are fighting the same darkness that I am fighting. Hopefully, that won’t have to happen, but reality is what it is.

As I continue to write this chapter of my life, moving from bi-weekly chemotherapy treatments to daily radiation treatments, I am beginning a new chapter in my career at Walt Disney World. I’m now a trainer with Magic Kingdom Outdoor Foods. I’m excited to be in this new role; I really feel that my personality makes me an ideal person to teach others about the workings of Food and Beverage at Disney.  I’m also looking ahead to a possible future working in Guest Relations, but the casting call for that isn’t even until the end of July, so I have plenty of time to think about it.  I could, in theory, always work in Guest Relations but continue to train in Outdoor Foods, since training is a separate entity from food and beverage operations.  It’s all something to think about.